Long time no blog

Hello all! Who missed me?? i know, i know, you all did. - and yes pip, i do realise you are the only one who reads this and may or may not be the only one who would actually miss me at all if i never posted again. you really need a hobby you know...
I have not had the good fortune of posting any blogs recently as (again) i forgot BOTH my password and user name. Turns out pharmacists dont have the memory of gods as you may think (well i have the body of one, is that not enough!!?) So i finally got them back (after having to change my password in order to access my own bull shit page.) and im back and better than ever. In this case 'better' will mean 'full of shit'.

Anywhoo... so i have been offered a new job (its all about the cash boys and girls!). So in a month i will be starting afresh and bringing my bright eyes and big ideas to the big city of RICHMOND!! yes , it is just as cool as it sounds. But on the upside: My good freind sara works there also, meaning, yes, if i continue to go to work hungover i will have someone to cover for me. BONUS. (or Boni. which is the plural of bonus)
At this stage i still have to cover for myself when i arrive hung over which is less than easy when you are found slumped in the break room 20 minutes after your morning tea was supposed to end. Trying the old "Peter Griffin" or PG move as i like to call it - i had a bug in my eye and i was trying to suffocate it. - Did not quite cut it. However , im sure if another person said it on my behalf it would become much more beleiveable. We will see how it goes.

I do have a special treat for you all today tho. The much anticipated

Top Tips to managing incontinence::

(i know hayley has been waiting for this with baited breath, lets hope she doesnt wet her pants with excitement)

Firstly and most importantly before we start our list i will give my most effective tip to staying dry:

DONT PISS YOUR PANTS

There you have it. Thanks for listening.

Other helpful tips:

1. Practice your pelvic floor exercises regularly (and try not to raise your eyebrows or open your mouth at the same time. This is a classic giveaway that you are practicing)

2. Aim to drink plenty of fluid each day ( this does NOT include alcoholic beverages as this will have the exact opposite effect desired. And i have found often leads to involountary LOSS of control especially while passed out in corridors of your freinds houses)

3. By keeping away from old folks homes (where the stench of urine surrounds you like a soft warm blanket) we train our noses to identify the smell of urine when we involountarily void. This helps us to train ourselves to stay dry

4. Try to keep away from untrustworthy friends who are likely to punch you in the bladder when you are lying prone and exposed on the couch while drinking. This can cause a loss of control especially when you have told said freinds you are desperate for a toilet card.

5. Avoid drinking 8 cups of tea in a row attempting to break the record of 'most cups of tea drank before needing to pee' (note: i lost)

6. dont have babies. Having babies will not only result in passing a bowel movement on the delivery table in front of your audience, but it will also lead to the enivitable cough/sneeze and pee experience. Not nice.

Apart from that not much has been happening in sunny nelson. However i will give you the lowdown (or 4 1 1 for those cool enough to use that lingo) about news worthy goss in the land of the long white cloud.

1. There are approximately 7 hundred million (yes that is 700000000, EIGHT zeros!!) 5 c pieces missing from circulation. Apparently we were supposed to take them into the bank when they were removed from the currancy. As if any one actually cares. I think the wishing wells around new zealand could provide some much needed answers , also dunedin streets probably have a few dozen glued to them. But is it really worth finding them. you know, actually PAYING someone to collect 5 c coins. is it just me or is that a bit off? However the government is not known for their intelligence is it?

2. The interislander ferry (agianst all common sense) attempted its crossing last night from wellington to picton. No great surprise there except the NINE METRE swell that happened to be present. but all went well (ish).. nine and a half hours later everyone arrived in picton. However it should be noted they ran out of sick bags on the way across. So glad i was not on that trip!! the smell of vomit wafting around the deck making the trip so much more pleasant.

So all in all it was a slow week in NZ news.

Well best be off. My dinner (toast ) calls.

(promise i will update more often in future)

Rx